What's In A Name?

I'm surprised by my sadness today. 

For those of you who don't know, I have been divorced for well over a year. Separated for way longer. I'm in a new, committed relationship and am very happy.

So my sadness has surprised me.

I have not changed my last name yet. 

I don't go by Murphey anymore, I socially go by Diederichs. My students have called me Ms. Diederichs for a year now. But I'm legally Murphey. All my bills. My house. My car. Everything except the name-plate as you enter my classroom. Or if you say my name to me ... I prefer Diederichs.

For some reason, I haven't made it down to the Social Security Office with my divorce papers to change my name. It's been over a year. Why haven't I gone? What's in a name, anyway? It shouldn't matter. I shouldn't care. 

And I didn't think it did matter to me.

But today, it does.

Because I have told myself that tomorrow will be the day. Tomorrow ... I will legally change my name.

Each time I think about it, I cry. 

I cry in my classroom as I finish up my report cards. I cry as I pack up my classroom for the summer. I cry in the car on the way home. I hold back tears in Albertson's when the checker asks, "So, how was your day?" I attempt a smile, and choke out "Good, and you?" but all I want to say is "Today has been a sad day."

My sadness and grief surprise me, and I think of my counselor who always reminds me to be gentle with myself and embrace each emotion I feel. There is a reason I feel this way. 

It is yet another reminder of my failed marriage. 

So tomorrow, I will embrace whatever emotions I feel. I will drive to the SS office with my divorce decree .... and I will change my name.

P.S. As  side-note to anyone needed help and wanting support through a divorce (and I am sorry for your pain), Crazy Time, by Abigail Trafford really helped me. My counselor recommended it and I loved it. I still pick it up and read certain chapters.