reflective

today, our school had a holiday sing-along.

all the kids got together in our gym, and sang christmas and hanukkah songs.

right before we walked into the gym, for some reason, i realized that the 1st baby we lost, would be 7 months old right now.

i have no idea why i thought of it.

it just came to me.

these ideas sometimes come to me at the most random times.

like when you're walking your 1st grade class to an assembly.

and they stall me in place.

i have to force myself to keep moving forward, while my brain tries to catch up with reality.

it was so difficult to look happy while singing songs.

it's always around the holidays that i miss our babies.

our 1st should be 7 months old today.

i should be 6 months pregnant with our 2nd.

it just made me really sad.

i don't mean to depress you with this post.

just wanted you to know that while others' lives keep moving forward ...

my thoughts stay stagnant sometimes.

in the past.

stuck where the losses happen.

longing for what "could have been."

while life moves on, my heart still aches for my babies.