jaded

On our way to work today, we drove through our favorite coffee stand (Mercurys coffee).

When we arrived, the barista was talking to another costumer about babies.

The barista tried to engage us in the conversation - which was very sweet of her.

I said some pleasantries, smiled, and continued to listen.

As the barista went on and on about having babies and being pregnant, I seemed to enter a time warp.

Time slowed down and I soaked in everything she was saying.

The barista was a young woman, newly married with no kids.

I was ruptured by the sparkle in her eye ... the excitement about pregnancy, and magic of it all.

But I was also struck by something else.

She has no idea.

How painful, life-altering, heartbreaking, patience-testing, and faith-questioning pregnancy can be.

She doesn't know the hurt.

The years that go by.

Wishing.

Wanting.

As I listened to her, I soaked in every smile, every glimmer in her eye, the way her cheeks creased as she talked, and daydreamed out loud of her future.

And I quietly mourned that fact that all of these things have been taken from me.

My excitement has been replaced with fear.

Hope replaced with hurt.

Time replaced by sadness.

I've become jaded by my experiences.

And I think that's okay.

I'm not saying that I'm hopeless about the future.

I just wish I had that child-like innocence I had the first time I was pregnant.

You just honestly think nothing can go wrong.

I feel wiser because of my experiences ... but there was a brief moment this morning that I really wanted to be "that other girl."

The girl in the coffee shop who daydreams about the ease and beauty of pregnancy.

I'm hoping to get there someday.