Thursday, October 29, 2009

Loss

On Tuesday, we were that couple.

That couple who gets bad news.

That couples that gets told, "I am so sorry."

The couple who's doctor steps out for a bit of privacy.

The couple who has to make difficult choices.

The couple in so much pain they can't catch their breaths.

The couple who thinks this is a bad dream.

They WILL themselves to wake up.

Who get escorted out the back exit for privacy.

On Tuesday, we found out we lost our sweet little baby.

It was a total shock.

We had already had an ultrasound and left with a clear bill of health.

A healthy heartbeat.

And ever-growing fetus and an ever-morning-sickness mama.

A proud papa.

Hopes and dreams for the future.

Baby names.

Baby plans.

Baby vacations.

Baby books.

In one second, our world came crashing down on us.

When we went in for our routine ultrasound on Tuesday, our sweet little angel was still measuring 6 weeks. And his or her sweet heartbeat had stopped.

Silent.

In the room.

In my womb.

In my heart.

The last 24 hours have been extremely painful.

Medication. Mourning. Sadness. Grief. Medical procedures.

But I'll tell you what else I've felt.

God's loving hand the entire time.

Being lifted by prayer.

Supported by friends and family.

Loved by the tender doctor's and nurses.

I NEVER for ONE SECOND felt alone.

Not once.

I am so grateful for God's grace, strength.

I KNOW I am loved. That my baby is loved. That my husband is loved.

Without a doubt.

I feel peace in knowing that He is holding my sweet baby in his arms.

That I have the most amazing husband ever.

That God gave me the gift of letting us hear our baby's heartbeat before He took him/her into his arms.

We will meet again another time sweet baby-boo.

I love you and I deeply mourn for your loss.

I will never forget the time I helped God create you ... and I thank you for the strength you have given me.

Mama loves you.

P.S. I still think you are a boy. And I look forward to the day I can find out. Until then ... I'm going to live a beautiful life. For you. For me.

13 comments:

Angel said...

So heartbreaking....so beautifully written...praying for you and Jay...

Jodie Howerton said...

Love you so much.

Shawna said...

Again, bawling at reading your words and feeling your hurt. Your words are beautiful, your baby is beautiful and so are you and jay. Lots of love.

neely said...

thinking about you and Jay...

Kelly M said...

Oh friend. I wish you didn't have to go through this!

Suzi said...

Lisa,

What a beautiful message your your baby. See you soon.

Diane Davis said...

i have no real words... just loving you and supporting you. beautiful you.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me- I've read your blog through a friend of a friend's blog. My heart is broken for you because I too have lost a baby. I know there are no words for this, not knowing God's plan is hard. I can tell you that God's plan brought me a sweet little boy after the one that I lost- and he would not be here without that first loss occuring. 4 years later I still mourn for that baby and wonder what life would be like had he/she not gone to Heaven- but I am still so grateful for my little man now. And I am challenged by your faithfulness because I was very lost for a while after the loss of my first baby. Blessings to you and your husband- stay strong and faithful! God will see you through this.

Eve said...

Lisa, it's through our darkest times that we can grow the most and dear friend I see growth. You wrote that from your heart and it made me cry.

I LOVED talking with you last night and MISS you so much.

Nicole said...

Oh Lisa.... My heart just broke. Im praying for you. Im glad you have not felt alone because you are not. Even in IL you are cared for.

Kristan said...

Oh my... You've brought me to tears, first with your sorrow, then with your love and joy. I'm so glad you are embraced by your family and faith in this difficult time.

Dunno if this is going to be helpful at all, but this reminded me of a recent Momversation episode I watched: http://www.momversation.com/episodes/dealing-miscarriage

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but I came across your site and I now feel sorry for having read this, because as a stranger I feel like I've intruded into something so intensely personal, raw, and difficult.

This was a beautiful tribute to your baby. I am still crying over your words. May God bless you, your husband, and the soul of your sweet child.

mrsmouthy said...

Even though it's three months after you wrote this post, you're in my thoughts today. Life, I've learned, is a miracle no matter how briefly or how long it lasts on Earth. I can see from the comments and from your writing that your baby (*he*) has left a beautiful, beautiful mark in our world. And he's got some great company up there!