Monday, October 4, 2010


When life gets me down,

I cry.

And cry.

And cry.

And drop a f-bomb (because let's be honest - the occasional f-bomb feels really good).

And cry.

And go to counseling.

And cry.

I've had a really rough go at it the last few days.

And if I'm being honest - I'd say I've felt pretty beaten down for almost a year now.

I spent my ENTIRE therapy session this morning bawling my eyes out.

I'm not exaggerating.

Very little was said.

I basically cried.

You know when a lot of little things add up and then every time you get another hit it just feels really huge?


That's where I'm at.

I could go on and on about how blessed I am with a wonderful husband & family.

But I don't really feel like it.

Between two miscarriages, a crown that causes me constant tooth pain and falls out every few months, weight gain due to multiple pregnancies in a short amount of time, getting amped on a new exercise program then having it stalled by hurting my feet, nightly icing and massaging of my feet because they are KILLING ME (I've self-diagnosed Plantar Fasciitis), Cooper's hip bothering him & multiple vet appointments, blah, blah, blah.

I feel like I want to go outside and just yell, "ENOUGH" out into the universe.

Heck, I'd yell it to anyone who will listen.

I'll cry mercy, uncle, whatever.

I can't have any other pain on my plate.

My pain is physical and emotional right now and it's really getting me down.

I'm totally glass-half-empty right now.

Which I HATE to write about because that's not really who I am.

But honestly, how much can one person take over such a loooong period of time?

Typically, I'll blog about it - then delete it before hitting the POST button.

But I'm not going to do that this time.

I want people to know that life gets hard and feels REALLY heavy after a miscarriage (or any traumatic event).

Hits feel harder.

It becomes more difficult to juggle all the little things that used to feel easy.

And so maybe I'm just in a slump.

Maybe my hormones are raging because I should start my period soon.

Who knows.

All I know is I'm going to take today as it comes.

And accept where I am right now.

Because that's all we can do.



Faith said...

You are loved.

And cry it out. Don't hold it on the inside. Just cry it out.

Kelly M said...

Oh friend! I'm so sad for you! I agree that crying is just the only thing to do sometimes. And drop a few f-bombs. It won't be like this forever. We love the Stookeys!

Reyna said...

I am leaving my windows open. I hope to hear a primal "ENOUGH!" sometime today. And don't worry about people's judgments & opinions. You are human and you are carrying a heavy load. Babies and pregnat people are everywhere. It sucks to be constantly reminded. Just try to remember that this is a very small part of your WHOLE life and there is a plan. It just stinks not to know what it is. Love and hugs to you friend.

Unlikely Oilfield Wife said...

I keep trying to think of what I wanted to hear when I was in your shoes, what I want to hear now that I'm having such a hard time conceiving. Crying is beyond necessary and important. But if we were friends, I'd make you come in the backyard and hula hoop with me. Because it's impossible to be sad while gyrating.

Just know that you aren't alone.