Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Alone

I have to be honest (and not sure if I'll be brave enough to post this) ...

... but when Christmas comes around ... I get a bit depressed.

This has happened ever since my divorce.

Let me say to all of you who are wondering why I'm complaining and writing a sob story
  • I KNOW I am blessed
  • I KNOW I have my health
  • I have a family who loves me
  • I'm surrounded by loved ones
  • I have friends who love me
  • I'm not 'really' by myself since Cooper lives here too
  • I KNOW there are people who have a very, vErY, VERY hard life
  • My life is CAKE compared to others
  • I've just returned from South Africa & seen/heard/witnessed/experienced A LOT of hardship, sadness, sickness, etc. ...
With all that said ... I'm still sad.

Depressed.

Alone.

For the last three Christmases ... I wake up by myself.

To a quiet, still house.

And I know all these things are material ... but I hate waking up and coming down to a tree with no present underneath.

No stockings stuffed to the brim.

No one with me.

And I know those are memories from my childhood that I wish I still had.

But, really.

I hate waking up by myself.

Shouldn't Christmas morning be filled with family and laughter and up-too-early and excitement and paper-torn and ribbons-flying and squealing-with-excitement and glee?

I'm sure I sound totally spoiled or ungrateful.

But please be assured, I am NOT spoiled and NOT ungrateful.

I am more grateful than most people ... because of various personal experiences ... I am WAY grateful.

But I can't help feeling alone ...

And all this makes me THAT much more grateful for family and health and friends.

And I long for the day that I will have my own husband and children.

Perhaps THAT is what I'm grieving.

7 comments:

Suzi said...

You, I love. I hear ya and I understand. Me too. Merry Christmas, my friend. xoxo

Jodie Howerton said...

I love you, Lisa. I love your vulnerability? Wanna spend the night with us tonight? :)

Kelly McPherson said...

Spend the night at your mom and dad's! That's what I always did until this year and actually I had a bit of a breakdown last year because we were in S. Carolina and I cried since "nobody told me it was going to be my last Christmas at home."
I love you! I'm glad you're here and I know you won't wake up like this forever. :-)

Terri said...

Lisa thank you for sharing your thoughts today. You are not alone in a holiday induced grief. Waking alone on Christmas morning instead of the "Rockwell Picture of my mind" has been my companion for too many years...

becky said...

I am sure my Kids would LOOOve to have you here! You would have to eat sticky buns and have fruit soup though, well and sit in your PJ's all day and watch way too much tv!

Diane Davis said...

lonliness sucks. especially during the holidays. i'm always mindful of that in myself and for others. i hope you have a great day. thinking of you...

d

MB said...

Again you are able to communicate thoughts so beautifully. Minus the divorce part, these are exactly my thoughts for many many years and too many holidays. I love you, babe. As with everything, it's one day at a time... some day I suppose the emptiness will be replaced with happiness.