Sunday, February 7, 2010

Rough Winter

We had a rough winter.

First we had a miscarriage that sent us into a tail-spin for quite a few months ...

Then while in full-on head spin, my Grandpa passed away.

A dark, invisible cloud has been looming over my head for a long time.

A deep sadness of grief and the fear of more death.

It has paralyzed me.

Mr. Panic and Mrs. Anxiety returned to my life.

I'm starting to come out of it.

I have started seeing my counselor again.

I have taken small steps towards healing.

Reading lots of books.

Crying endlessly.

Allowing myself to be sad.

To feel and mourn my losses.

To be okay.

To sit with the feelings.

Took our ultrasound pictures down from the cupboard and moved them to the side of the fridge yesterday.

Feels like a huge step that physically seems so small.

But feels so, so big.

There are obvious signs of disconnect in our home.

Our house needs cleaning.

There are piles everywhere.

There are stacks of magazines and books unread.

I had the strength to take down our outdoor Christmas decorations during the New Year -- I guess I wanted the outside world to think everything was normal.

But today, February 7th, we are both finding the strength to take down our indoor Christmas decorations.

The nativity scene remains.

I don't have the heart to take it down.

Not yet.

It's a step I'm not yet ready for.

I'll know when it is.

And I'll put the figurines away in their proper boxes.

And I'll cry.

And I'll mourn the death of my baby.

And that will be one more therapeutic step.

** I am not ending this story here. There is much I want to share, including a few FABULOUS books I want to share and ways to support friends and family who have experienced a miscarriage. There is much to be transparent about in the process. Lot's of grief and pain that takes a LONG time to heal. I can't wait to share this journey with you.


Shawna said...

Oh Lisa, my heart still aches for you. I ran into your parents at Costco today and your dad realized that I am just 4 weeks ahead of what you would have been. Your mom and I had to look away because we both had teared up pretty badly. Sending happy thoughts and love your way.

Anonymous said...

I was actually just thinking of you and your baby today so I popped over to your blog. I'm sorry it's still so hard, but I'm glad you're letting yourself feel the sadness instead of hiding it. And I'm sure there are days you wake up feeling happy, and you let yourself feel that too. And eventually the happy days will outnumber the sad ones.

So glad you're seeing a counselor (I started seeing one when we went through our stuff and I'm still seeing her). As for the messy house, if it's in your budget, could you hire a house keeper--even if just for awhile? We did this fall and it feels like so much more than getting a clean house; it feels like a mental/emotional clean on those days too!