Friday, July 18, 2008

Me, Myself, and I

Since being back from vacation, I've been taking a lot of time to myself. I was gone from my home for two weeks, which I don't like to do. I love being at home.

Throughout my divorce, I've learned to love being by myself. This is something I never thought I'd like to do. A few years ago when my old roommate said she loved her 'alone time,' I used to ask her, "but what do you do?"

I used to cry in my counseling sessions ... just thinking about being alone, spending time with myself. Nothing to do.

Through my journey, I've learned to love my alone time. I crave it. Quite frankly, I need it. 

And honestly ... I've learned that I'm never alone. He is always with me. In my deepest, darkest moments in my divorce, I found comfort in knowing that God was with me. Holding me in my sadness, grieving with me in my pain. He didn't judge me. He just accepted me for where I was on my journey, and supported me 100% of the time. I'm thankful for the love and presence of God in my life. Most importantly ...  He is my role model for how to love and accept myself.

So often we look to Him in times of need and despair.

Like two days ago for example when Cooper took off after another dog in the neighborhood and I spent a good chunk of time bawling my eyes out, running around the neighborhood, yelling, begging (yah, I was "that" crazy lady who lost her dog, crying uncontrollably) for him to come back. I immediately started praying.

However, it's days like this. When I'm 100% content being by myself, when I feel His happiness alongside mine.

So ... I digress. My point is ... here are some things I've learned about myself while giving myself the gift of my alone time:
  1. I exude an aura of confidence on the outside, but I'm very sensitive, especially to how people talk to me.
  2. I worry about money. ALL THE TIME.
  3. I cry every time I hear someone play the piano. I can't explain it ... the sound just moves me to tears. I think it's breathtakingly beautiful. Some day I'll learn how to play.
  4. I am a homebody.
  5. I can't just casually read a book. It's all or nothing (I've spent the last three days reading A Long Way Gone).
  6. Apparently I cry hysterically when my dog is lost. I have no sense of controlling my emotions in this situation. P.S. I found him. Or rather we found each other. As I was heading back to my house (to meet a neighbor who was going to help me look for Cooper), Cooper was casually smelling the flowers (I'm not kidding you) on his leisurely walk back to the house. At least he knows where home is.
  7. It's humanly possible to stay in bed all day reading a book and/or watching TV (only to get up to eat or use the bathroom) ... when you're NOT sick.
  8. I realize that once I have a family, this will never happen again. In fact I hesitate to post this because my friends with kids keep begging me to not tell them when I'm alone, resting, taking nap, and/or sleeping. Sorry ladies. My day will come too.
  9. I love to talk to myself. Out loud.
  10. I talk to Cooper like he is a human ... though I'm fully aware he hasn't a clue of what I'm saying.
  11. I'm totally addicted to playing Solitaire on my IPod.
I'm sure there are a billion more ... but that just about wraps it up for now. I'm only coming up with dumb stuff I've learned about myself now. My self-diagnosed ADD is kicking in. Besides, I'm hungry, and since I haven't burned ANY calories today, I just might have some Mac-N-Cheese.

*Picture taken in Manhattan Beach last week before Melaine and I hit the town. Which is also worthy of a post, but many innocent (or not-so innocent) people will be embarrassed. So I'll save that story for myself.


Eve said...

I love this picture of you - very pretty!

Good to hear that you appreciate this alone time because your right one of these days it will be gone.

I'm so happy you found Cooper and I would be that crazy lady too if my dog ran off!

Linda Vujnov said...

I love your transparancy!

I jog, alone, if I don't jog, a nasty beast emerges. Everyone needs alone time.

You are beautiful!

Amy Cheng said...

Oh what a beautiful post. (and a gorgeous picture, btw) I love that you can stay in bed all day too. I could live in my bed. I'm not at all joking. :)

Carlee Avery said...

Aaahh!! Being alone terrifies me!! I often scare myself with thinking about what if Chris died - I dont know what I would do without his companionship... I have been alone - AND in a new house for the past week and a half - my husbands been at work every day, all day - it still counts as being alone. The quietness is what I think gets to me the most. I completely agree on your list - not to mention I think I have ADD too, so I just walk room to room aimlessly - virtually accomplishing nothing!
The kids return thurs...and then its back to the chaos - happiness:)